smarmy crapsnack.

forget "What Would Jesus Do"... i go by "What Would The Huxtables Do"

a profile: my blog advertisers.

people who advertise on my blog (comments section) are ALL kiddie porn freaks. and i mean FREAKS. they're all REAAAALLLY into it. usually same sex, but not always.

also, they're really into European dance music. German, maybe.

when they go to the gym, they were a mouthguard, kneepads, and protective goggles, no matter what the exercise.

they just want to be loved by someone, but they probably never will be, on account of the horrible STD's they've contracted from the 13 year old asian male prostitutes they've been banging.

they think that Hootie was terribly misunderstood. They also tried to be a roadie for said band, but were turned down on account of the STD thing.

in summary, these people are between psychopaths and the extraordinarily retarded on the social food chain. try to avoid eye contact at all costs. it'll just be weird.

peanut butter and porn

i'm a composer (yes, i want a cookie, jerk). i recently received a royalty check from a certain performing rights organization. why am i so worried about protecting everyone's anonymity? i don't know, i just am. paranoid? yes, i am. deal with it, ass.

anyway, this royalty check was for the following work:
Cretin

that was the title. ummmmmmmmm, i searched my memory (didn't take long), and i've never written such a thing. but i got this check. so of course, i cashed it first, then called this organization (out of curiosity) to see if i had written it and maybe i just forgot. very possible, my memory is shitty.

here's the conversation (condensed for time/space):

"Hey... uh... what was the name of the piece i got paid for?"
Do you have your payment statement?
Uh...... no. I uh..... lost it.
Ok, what's your member number?
It's xxxxxxxxxxxx85.
Ok, it appears you were paid erroneously. What you need to do, to ensure that you don't keep receiving checks, is to call the titling department and correct this error.

~Long pause while i think about this~


I'll get right on that. ~Click~

a post written for and entirely about Kenny.

Kenny (we'll call him Kenny Pitsnack, to protect his anonymity) is the only person to ever reply to any of my posts. For this reason, this post will be written in his honor. Maybe if YOU had replied, i'd be writing this about you, but NOOOOO, you were too busy masturbating. Pervert. Don't worry, I probably wouldn't have written about you anyway. And also, I was masturbating too.

Anyhoo, Kenny went to college with me. Good dude. He's from New Jersey. He likes guys. He studied (insert major) at a Virginia college (we'll call it Sames Fladison Pooniversity). At SFP, Kenny and I were in the same a cappella group (we'll call it... screw it, i'm done with that joke).

some of my favorite kenny-related memories were from some of the classes we were in together. i can't be all that specific, b/c you never know who's going to look at your blog (i've been fined for exposing my blog in public, but that's different).... although from the looks of it, it pretty much looks like just kenny, and of course, those weirdos trying to advertise on my blog. what the f is that?

anyway, we'd make fun of some of the ridiculous people we shared a major with. These people were (in general) dramatic, egotistical, and self-absorbed. many would have been perfect for the real world. actually, that would have been damn good tv. i digress. it was hilarious to make fun of these people with my boy, kenny. and also, our... uh... MAIN teacher. if he's reading this, i hope he knows who i'm talking about.... here's a hint: we'd have a "meeting" with her every other wednesday afternoon, sophomore year on... man, that sounded kinda dirty. whatever.

but overall, my absolute favorite memory/memories of kenny were making random Brian Regan references. That caught on like a mo fo with a lot of other people too. or at least a few other people.

So anyway Kenny, here's to you....
Take luck,
J.

here's what's wrong with french people

ok, substitute "french" with "chinese", and "people" with "food".

my fortune cookie tonight was attempting to teach me chinese. a nice gesture, but i'm probably not going to get very far in the language, i'm guessing. i didn't learn english until i was 7.

anyway, it says:

Automobile
Qi-che

how in god's name does that help me pronounce this word? is it kee-chay, or kwee-chee, or what? looks more like quiche to me, but i'm assuming that's not right. did i spell quiche right? if i didn't, i don't care. i'm not looking it up. i'm talking about that dish that has eggs in it.

also, if they're going to teach me a word, is that really a word i'm going to need? that's like teaching me the word "unicorn". i think that's the first time i've even TYPED the word unicorn.

if a chinese guy came up to you and said any sentence with the word "automobile", you'd laugh your ass off. at least inside. who says "automobile"?

How my new job and the Simpsons are related

at my new job, everyone couldn't be nicer. EVERYONE smiles pretty much all the time. EVERYONE says hi to you in the hallway. just a little too nice.

if you're a simpsons fan (and i know you are), it's EXACTLY like the episode where homer gets a new job and the family moves to... whatever the city is. can't remember. it's called "You Only Move Twice". dear god, it's funny. if you're a simpsons fan, hopefully you've seen it.

for everyone else, go download it. i know you've all got a file sharing program. it'll take you about 5 seconds to type it in, and download it. trust me, it's worth it. ummmm...... i guess i'm done writing now.

awkward moments at work

you know how whenever you're at work and you pass Linda (and why are there so many Linda's at every job? I've never known a real life Linda. I think they're hired by every company to fill some sort of name quota. I don't know why this would be, I just find it odd), then you pass her again like 20 minutes later...? do you say hi again, or do you do that head nod thing, or do you do the eyebrow lift along with the lip seal (sort of a half smile), or do you make some lame joke (workin' hard or hardly workin?)... what in the world do people do? i hate this. It's sort of like when I come back from lunch. I feel like I have to re-greet everyone I just left a half hour ago. "Thank God, it's so good to see you. I was worried you might not make it back from your trip to BK across the street. So how's your life been for the last hour? You still single?"

best SNL members

ok, you may have noticed that i like lists. here's another one. top 10 SNL members. here's how i define "best"... most versatile, most consistently funny. can do a lot of different characters... in other words, not a one-trick pony. here we go:

10. Jan Hooks - i don't know what to say about her, she was just funny.
9. Norm MacDonald - am i spelling his name right? anyway, i cheated on the rules. he's just on here for Weekend Update. so unbelievably witty.
8. Molly Shannon - "don't get me started, don't EVEN get me started". if you haven't seen this sketch, rent Best of Molly Shannon.
7. Dana Carvey - yes, i know the humor back then was a lot more tame, but he was still funny. and you 15 year-olds that have seen the reruns just don't get it. he was funny. although his stand-up was unbeLIEVably NOT funny.
6. Amy Poehler - i think i'm falling in love with her. although i've kind of fallen in love with most of the female cast members. whatever, she's wicked funny.
5. Rob Schneider - yes, he's done some bad movies, but he's hilarious. wow, these comments are all starting to sound the same.
4. Chris Farley - a lot of people put him #1, but that's a mistake. while he was great, there are cast members who were more valuable. now we're getting into the REAAALLLLY versatile guys.
3. Chris Kattan - watch the airport first date sketch on the Best of Molly Shannon... he steals the sketch and hardly says a word. unreal.
2. Will Ferrell - do i need to say anything here? no. he and farley seem to be the most popular picks for #1. i've got one better though...
1. Phil Hartman - phil hartman was a true genius. he could do DEAD-ON impressions, be the "announcer guy", play any character and NEVER, EVER, EVER start laughing in the middle of a sketch. he was never crappy in anything. i think he was the most versatile and consistently funny cast member of all time.

worst cast member of all time: janeane garafalo - this kills me to say this, because i think she is the best female stand-up comic i've ever seen, BY FAR. but let's be honest, she never fit in on SNL.
most overrated: darrell hammond. you're an ass clown, and you're not funny. your impersonations aren't that great (sometimes), and you're a douche. i feel better.
most underrated: david spade. ok, a lot of people know he's funny, but don't give him credit for being funny on the show.

my guilty pleasure.

I admit it.

I'm addicted to Laguna Beach.

Yes, I know it's a terrible show. It's emotional drivel, it's sappy, who knows if it's even real (although i think it is), the "characters" are incredibly shallow, it perpetuates a lot of teenage stereotypes (not that i care about that), but GODDAMN i can't stop watching. i don't care.

Poem: I Wish These Kids Would Get The Fuck Out Of Here

Leave, you little bastards.

Wait, I can hear your mom calling you.
I can barely hear her. Something about, "We're going to Chuck-E-Cheese" or "the arcade" or something like that.
But she says to hurry.

The sign says "no swimming", dipshit. Of course, I'm swimming, but fuck off, I was here first.
Now, all we need is an infant. A crying, hungry, dirty-diapered infant. And a dog.

Oh wait, they're all here too.

a little advice

don't hate the playa, hate Ben Affleck movies.

top ten simpsons episodes... w/ little commentary

so i hate it when i stumble upon a simpsons list on the internet for several reasons. usually, they are the same episodes, and a lot of times they shouldn't even be in the top ten. another reason i hate them is b/c they leave all this commentary crap, explaining the whole episode. guess what, pal? if i think the episode is funny, i'll download it, douche.

here's one final reason most simpsons lists suck. people leave quotes from the episode that aren't funny when typed out, like if you have to type out facial expressions. ok, i feel better now. so if i write commentary, i'll make it short.

10. Brother from Another Series - Cecil and Sideshow Bob.
9. You Only Move Twice - The Simpsons move to... uh, that other city. Hank Scorpio.
8. The Mansion Family - Mr. Burns goes to the Mayo clinic
7. Lisa On Ice - "You're fighting for your parents' love!"
6. Radioactive Man - "Now this is real acid, so I want to see goggles, people!"
5. Homer Goes to College - "Hey... that wasn't the wallet inspector."
4. Treehouse of Horror V - "That's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor."
3. Behind the Laughter - "The Simpsons' dreams were riding on a wing and a prayer. But the wings were on fire, and the prayer had been answered... by Satan."
2. Marge In Chains - "Your Honor, I move for a bad court thingy."
1. Deep Space Homer - Too many brilliant quotes to pick just one. Anyone that doesn't think this is the funniest episode is a communist.

Honorable mention: Girly Edition - The first episode of the cat-throwing woman, a recurring character.