smarmy crapsnack.

forget "What Would Jesus Do"... i go by "What Would The Huxtables Do"

a profile: my blog advertisers.

people who advertise on my blog (comments section) are ALL kiddie porn freaks. and i mean FREAKS. they're all REAAAALLLY into it. usually same sex, but not always.

also, they're really into European dance music. German, maybe.

when they go to the gym, they were a mouthguard, kneepads, and protective goggles, no matter what the exercise.

they just want to be loved by someone, but they probably never will be, on account of the horrible STD's they've contracted from the 13 year old asian male prostitutes they've been banging.

they think that Hootie was terribly misunderstood. They also tried to be a roadie for said band, but were turned down on account of the STD thing.

in summary, these people are between psychopaths and the extraordinarily retarded on the social food chain. try to avoid eye contact at all costs. it'll just be weird.

peanut butter and porn

i'm a composer (yes, i want a cookie, jerk). i recently received a royalty check from a certain performing rights organization. why am i so worried about protecting everyone's anonymity? i don't know, i just am. paranoid? yes, i am. deal with it, ass.

anyway, this royalty check was for the following work:
Cretin

that was the title. ummmmmmmmm, i searched my memory (didn't take long), and i've never written such a thing. but i got this check. so of course, i cashed it first, then called this organization (out of curiosity) to see if i had written it and maybe i just forgot. very possible, my memory is shitty.

here's the conversation (condensed for time/space):

"Hey... uh... what was the name of the piece i got paid for?"
Do you have your payment statement?
Uh...... no. I uh..... lost it.
Ok, what's your member number?
It's xxxxxxxxxxxx85.
Ok, it appears you were paid erroneously. What you need to do, to ensure that you don't keep receiving checks, is to call the titling department and correct this error.

~Long pause while i think about this~


I'll get right on that. ~Click~

a post written for and entirely about Kenny.

Kenny (we'll call him Kenny Pitsnack, to protect his anonymity) is the only person to ever reply to any of my posts. For this reason, this post will be written in his honor. Maybe if YOU had replied, i'd be writing this about you, but NOOOOO, you were too busy masturbating. Pervert. Don't worry, I probably wouldn't have written about you anyway. And also, I was masturbating too.

Anyhoo, Kenny went to college with me. Good dude. He's from New Jersey. He likes guys. He studied (insert major) at a Virginia college (we'll call it Sames Fladison Pooniversity). At SFP, Kenny and I were in the same a cappella group (we'll call it... screw it, i'm done with that joke).

some of my favorite kenny-related memories were from some of the classes we were in together. i can't be all that specific, b/c you never know who's going to look at your blog (i've been fined for exposing my blog in public, but that's different).... although from the looks of it, it pretty much looks like just kenny, and of course, those weirdos trying to advertise on my blog. what the f is that?

anyway, we'd make fun of some of the ridiculous people we shared a major with. These people were (in general) dramatic, egotistical, and self-absorbed. many would have been perfect for the real world. actually, that would have been damn good tv. i digress. it was hilarious to make fun of these people with my boy, kenny. and also, our... uh... MAIN teacher. if he's reading this, i hope he knows who i'm talking about.... here's a hint: we'd have a "meeting" with her every other wednesday afternoon, sophomore year on... man, that sounded kinda dirty. whatever.

but overall, my absolute favorite memory/memories of kenny were making random Brian Regan references. That caught on like a mo fo with a lot of other people too. or at least a few other people.

So anyway Kenny, here's to you....
Take luck,
J.

here's what's wrong with french people

ok, substitute "french" with "chinese", and "people" with "food".

my fortune cookie tonight was attempting to teach me chinese. a nice gesture, but i'm probably not going to get very far in the language, i'm guessing. i didn't learn english until i was 7.

anyway, it says:

Automobile
Qi-che

how in god's name does that help me pronounce this word? is it kee-chay, or kwee-chee, or what? looks more like quiche to me, but i'm assuming that's not right. did i spell quiche right? if i didn't, i don't care. i'm not looking it up. i'm talking about that dish that has eggs in it.

also, if they're going to teach me a word, is that really a word i'm going to need? that's like teaching me the word "unicorn". i think that's the first time i've even TYPED the word unicorn.

if a chinese guy came up to you and said any sentence with the word "automobile", you'd laugh your ass off. at least inside. who says "automobile"?

How my new job and the Simpsons are related

at my new job, everyone couldn't be nicer. EVERYONE smiles pretty much all the time. EVERYONE says hi to you in the hallway. just a little too nice.

if you're a simpsons fan (and i know you are), it's EXACTLY like the episode where homer gets a new job and the family moves to... whatever the city is. can't remember. it's called "You Only Move Twice". dear god, it's funny. if you're a simpsons fan, hopefully you've seen it.

for everyone else, go download it. i know you've all got a file sharing program. it'll take you about 5 seconds to type it in, and download it. trust me, it's worth it. ummmm...... i guess i'm done writing now.