Saran-wrap and unicorns.

Top 2 things i've been thinking about today:

1.) What the fuck is up with this Scientology shit?

2.) How did we ever think that Saved By The Bell was a good show? And don't fucking lie, we ALL liked it at the time. If you say you didn't, you're either a terrorist, Canadian, or both.

That is all.

Nobody ever says "I want to be a junkie when I grow up."

Remember that commercial?

I recently stumbled upon a website for potential jobs for English majors at UNC-Wilmington. Lots of choices here. I'm going to list a few of them for you, tell me if you see anything out of place. In case you think I'm making this up (it would be an awfully strange thing to make up), here's the website:
http://www.uncwil.edu/stuaff/career/Majors/english.htm

Anyway, take a look at the list. My comments are below. Actually, they're all over the place.

*College Professor (can't you say use this one for ANY major? lame.)
*Hotel & Motel Manager
*Playwright
*Poet
*Humorist/Comedian
*Interior Designer (how is this related to English again?)
*Crossword Puzzle
*Journalist
*Singer/Voice (wouldn't this be a music thing?)
*Stockbroker
*Teacher (see College Professor)
*Talent Agent
*Curator
*Teacher (all levels) .... i didn't add this one again. it's in there twice. they really are hammering this education thing home.
*Creative Writer
*Translator
*Comedy Writer
*Writer
*Technical Writer (ok, clearly they want you to be a teacher or writer.)

In case you missed it, one of the occupations is Crossword Puzzle. Hm.

Even if they meant Crossword Puzzle Writer, is that really someone's full-time job? I can't see people sitting around 9-5, working in cubicles, stressing out because they have Crossword Writer's Block.

"GODDAMN IT SANDY, can't you see i'm trying to work on a fucking PUZZLE HERE??? JESUS.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking."

A film that defines an era

Once in a blue moon, a film comes along that challenges us to redefine the word "greatitude". They make us laugh, they make us cry, they make us feel. We have witnessed a new golden age of cinema in the past 25 years. And yet, so few films can come close to the genius that is Gone With The Wind, The Godfather, or Joe Vs. The Volcano.

Throughout history, however, few films have come close to the genius that is.... "High School Musical".

If you have seen this brilliant work, I beg you to go and worship at the altar of the movie gods, thanking them for such a marvelous gift to mankind.

High School Musical, made by the Disney Channel, is profound in so many ways.

I'm done with the sarcasm now. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE if you have Tivo, TAPE it. if you don't, WATCH it. look on the internet for when it will come on. Hang on...

Ok, I just did some quick research. Apparently they're turning this into a REAL musical. I'm speechless. Here's something else I found:

For more information, visit www.disneychannel.com/highschoolmusical

Also, you can leave your comments (of course i did), and hopefully they'll show up the next time the movie comes on... and make sure you look out for my comment:

This movie was radical! It really makes me look forward to high school... and maybe being in a musical one day! Gosh, it really makes you think... we DO need to work together and our dreams CAN come true! Thanks, Disney Channel!!!
---Lupe, age 13 Maine (because when i think "Maine", i think "Latino")

Judge Wapner, Judge Wapner....

I was searching for flavored water in the grocery store, and I guess I must have looked lost, because this guy started yelling at me from far away. He was hurrying toward me. You might even say it was more of a scurry motion.

"Hey! What are you looking for? What are you trying to find?"

He was a little too helpful. Plus, he wasn't wearning a name badge or anything that said Food Lion on it.

As he got closer, I could see why he was so anxious.

He was retarded.

Now before anyone starts going off about me making fun of retarded people, I'm not making fun of retarded people. This particular retarded person was like the Rain Main of grocery stores. It was remarkable.

"I'm looking for flavored wa--"

Before I could finish the sentence, he had blurted out (very loudly, I might add), "Aisle 8! Come on, I'll take you!"

Of course, I had to follow him. I felt like if I had said any food, he would have instantly told me where to find it, all the while staring at the floor and bobbing about nervously.

Saltine Cra--
Aisle 5.
Beefaro---
Aisle 9.
Five Alive Citrus Dr--
No longer in stock, no longer in stock. Discontinued since 1987, 1987. Yep, definitely discontinued.

Then, on an entirely unrelated note, I completely broke the shit out of the automatic door (don't ask me how) then made even more of an ass out of myself by cracking up laughing about it in the parking lot. It would be a lot funnier if you knew HOW hard I hit the door (HARD) and how it looked when I left (BAD).

What's wrong with French people (meaning Chinese food), Part II

i went to another chinese restaurant tonight. more fortune cookie fun.

in case you didn't read my other blog about this (go read it, lazy... it'll take you 5 seconds), these are not the fortunes, but the pronunciations of Chinese words on the back.

Bean-sprout (honestly... BEAN SPROUT??? i think they're fucking with us now) = "Dou-yah"
Bank = "Hang"
Good = "Hao"

so, if you were to say, "Good bean-sprout, Bank" (say, if Bank was someone's name.... bear with me, okay...), it would be pronounced "How do ya hang?"

Also, sitting next to my grandfather was interesting. And by interesting, I mean painful. He's one of those old guys that says racially "charged" things that can't necessarily be called racism, but just uses a ton of blanket statements. Here's what I found out.

• All Asians are happy to be living in the U.S., because they can make a lot more money here than they can "over there".
• Every Asian is smarter than any American.
• The Vietnamese people he used to work with could "swing from tree to tree like monkeys". My attention was fading in and out, so I'm not exactly sure what he was talking about.

This was a teppan-yaki restaurant (one that cooks the food in front of you). There are so many things I could discuss about this, but most importantly, does anyone else notice that it's the EXACT same gags/gimmicks/tricks/jokes at EVERY restaurant? like they'll take a slab of butter and throw it on the grill and go, "butterfly". Here's what i don't get... my family, who have seen these tricks 8 TRILLION times, still laughs like it's the funniest goddamn joke they've ever heard. i wonder if a teppan-yaki chef has ever gotten heckled.

i don't know how to wrap this up so... bye.