My Rants, Part III: Jamster blows.

COPYRIGHT MIKE HARRISON 2006

this was completely mike's idea, although i completely kevin-ker with his analysis.

the Jamster ad that's on the top of your IM thing... when you scroll your mouse over it, it plays that OBNOXIOUSLY loud music. i don't know what else to say about it, other than the fact that it sucks. and it always scares the bejeezus out of me. i wonder if it would be THAT loud on someone's phone? i'm guessing not. either way, it sucks, and i HATE the fact that there's no way to get rid of it.

while we're chatting (and by that, i mean me having a monologue) about IM, use of "lol" has gotten way out of hand. it means LOTS OF LAUGHS, and yet people write it after every sentence it seems. stuff is NOT THAT FUNNY! is there anyone that laughs out loud after every sentence someone says?

i'm tired of writing now, i'm going to go pay my rent. EARLY, BITCHES!!! (tax refund check)

My Rants, Part II: Faux Mints

am i spelling "faux" right? probably.

who on earth decided it was a good idea to completely HOODWINK the american public into believing that what LOOKS like a mint, is WRAPPED the same way a mint would be wrapped, and is even PLACED right by the cash register just like a mint, would actually be CINNAMON? what? i mean, seriously. next you're going to tell me the chicken i just ate was actually GOOD for me. look, i like my mints minty, my chicken artery-cloggish, and my whores disease-free. i realize i didn't have to throw that last part in, but once again, it's my blog and i'll write what i want to, write what i want to, write what i want to.

The Pocketcloth

Pudgy-faced, an innocent wanderer,
knowing not his destination,
perhaps going nowhere.
Does he miss the lure of playground vitality?
Can he even find the school?
Arms flailing in cyclical rapture
Blood feverishly races as a tributary
on painted faces - unaware of their pending isolation -
gazing foolishly to the skies for answers, pleading to the gods.

Olive suede his mate on this day;
he glides past, glancing behind
unknowingly.
Terrain, like an African foot-hold;
firm and unyielding, yet
flaunting a ruby-like pocketcloth on its spine.
A delicate, perfect silk, teasing the dusty road.
Lustful intrigue overrides rationality this day,
a union so new and vibrant.
Brashly wielding weapons of old
a young knight is restored.

Without explanation, the winds of cruelty
slash his spirit, and the pocketcloth is
violently liberated.
Fearing the worst and assuming the best,
he waits for a repirise,
as a diva pauses in the wings,
its fluttery glee so familiar to he...

2004

My rants, Part I: TV Denial

this is the first of what i'm sure will be more, hence the "Part I". just little things i want to rant about. most of them (like this one) will be stupid stuff... don't take this as serious anger. it's just a friggin' blog, people. it should be read in a sarcastically confused tone.

TV Denial

"oh, i haven't seen that commercial (for say... the Geico caveman commercial... who the fuck hasn't seen this?).... i don't watch much tv."
"oh, i don't own a TV. i think it rots the brain."

and so on.

who the FUCK do these people think they are? EVERYONE watches TV. if you say you don't, you're either lying or you're too busy playing with yourself to watch. and DON'T try to say you don't watch that much TV, we ALL watch a lot of TV. yeah, it's all relative as to what is a lot is, but come on. If you're American, can afford a TV, and are bright enough to figure out where to plug the cables, YOU WATCH TV. you're better off just admitting it. the worst part is the smug look people give when they say stuff like this. it's like that South Park episode where everyone is buying a hybrid car... they sort of squint, smile, and and put their ear on their shoulder. it's a visual thing. dan, if you're reading this, and i'm sure you're not, you know what i'm talking about(dan is a South Park guru, it seems).

once again, i don't know how to wrap this up. More rants to come, my children. Feel free to rant about any subject in the comments section... as they say in Good Will Hunting, "you are bound by nothing."

Yet another list.

i found another list. this one's from TV Guide's Top 50 Cartoon Characters of all time:

1. Bugs Bunny
2. Homer Simpson
3. Rocky and Bullwinkle
4. Beavis and Butt-Head
5. The Grinch
6. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
7. Angelica Pickles
8. Charlie Brown and Snoopy
9. SpongeBob SquarePants
10. Cartman from "South Park"
11. Bart and Lisa Simpson
12. Fat Albert
13. The Powerpuff Girls
14. Daffy Duck
15. Pikachu
16. Gumby
17. Betty Boop
18. Top Cat
19. Mickey Mouse
20. Popeye
21. Gerald McBoing-Boing
22. Scooby-Doo
23. Underdog
24. Josie and the Pussycats
25. Heckle and Jeckle
26. Arthur
27. Winnie the Pooh
28. Felix The Cat
29. Mr. Magoo
30. George of the Jungle
31. Ren and Stimpy
32. Tom Terrific
33. Tweety and Sylvester
34. Bill from "Schoolhouse Rock"
35. Space Ghost
36. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo
37. Mighty Mouse
38. Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner
39. Superman
40. Batman
41. Daria
42. Wonder Woman
43. Donald Duck
44. Alvin (The Chipmunk)
45. Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale
46. Woody Woodpecker
47. Porky Pig
48. Bobby Hill from "King of the Hill"
49. Speed Racer
50. Tom and Jerry

my question is this: am i the only one that thinks this is the gayest thing that's ever been written, ever?

A Mouse

If you stare at the ground for an hour
you'll empower
the vision and precision of a mouse in a meadow
meddling steadily,
never waning or profaning someone's name,
only staying in the moment
never straying for a second
from the task of which has beckoned for attention
to be paid;

and yet,
the praise and accolades only waste his precious time;
for he finds that nine of ten
he comes and goes without a whim,
and on days of cattle graze
his guilty conscience underlays.

2003