TWO stupid people. TWO.

two blogs, two nights. i'm fucking rolling now.

here are two stories about two stupid people. one of them is a work friend. this person doesn't qualify as "friend", hence me being able to talk about her on my blog. huge difference between work friend and actual friend.

Setting: Grocery Store, Aisle 5 (i'm looking for SpaghettiO's, the breakfast of champions)

Her: Hey, Jon! What are you doing here?
Me: I'm taking out a second mortgage, what the fuck do you think i'm doing here?

i didn't say that, obviously. but am i the only one thinking that's a REALLY stupid question? it's like asking someone what they're doing at the gas pump. dumb.

this next one is worse.

Setting: Video Store on a back road
~I was lost and looking for directions. I stopped in and asked this girl to help me out. Little did i know she suffered from dumbassia.

Me: Yeah, i'm trying to get directions to I-64.
Her: Ok, well... you can always go.... well, that may not be the best way (by the way, when people start talking to themselves when they're giving you directions, it's usually a good idea to ask someone else. i learned this the hard way). Ok, take a right out of this parking lot, go about 1 mile, and take a left on Wendover Ave.
Me: Ok.
Her: Then you're going to go straight through the first stoplight.
(pause, while she thinks about what she said)
Actually, make sure the light is green before you go through it.
Me: WAIT, WAIT!!! I'M TRYING TO WRITE THIS DOWN!!! ok, the light should be what color, again?

I'M BACK, BABY!!!

...and better than ever. i've been collecting some thoughts on a digital recorder that i will (eventually) put on here. there's plenty to write/talk about, so let's get right to it.

I was watching Montel the other day. i can't stand that guy. anyway, the guest was a female psychic. and of course, they did the obligatory "how long have you been able to do this" kind of crap. lame. here's the great part though... when they get to the audience Q&A.

there seem to be several different personalities that go to a talk show to see a psychic.

1.) the lady who just lost her husband and is lonely,
2.) the person who is alone and wants to know if they'll ever find "true love",
3.) the guy who gets dragged along against his will, even though the world series of cockfighting is on espn2.

that has nothing to do with the rest of the story. here's what happened next:

Lady: do i have any messages from beyond?
Psychic: yes, i see a heavy set man, a very very large man.
~Lady looks extremely confused; psychic realizes she has totally bombed~
Psychic: well, maybe not heavy, but... lanky. he says don't worry about him, he's doing fine.
~Lady looks a little confused and really skeptical, reluctantly sits down~

there are so many problems here that i don't know where to begin. first of all, HEAVY and LANKY are not even remotely similar. i love it, because the psychic looked like a total ass on national television.

also, why do people always ask if they have messages from dead people? and they ALWAYS DO!!! and it's ALWAYS GOOD NEWS!!! i've never heard a psychic be like, "nope, no news today. oh wait, there is one thing. your uncle marty says he's in extraordinary pain, aaand... that there is no God. oh and also, he says you owe him twenty bucks."