Hotels.com

what they advertise:

"No Hotels.com change or cancel fees."

the fine print:

"Hotels.com charges a $5.00 per booking non-refundable service fee to your credit card when you complete your reservation."

isn't that worse? "yeah, we're not going to charge you if you cancel, we're just going to charge you. if you don't like it, you can suck my balls, ass."

TWO stupid people. TWO.

two blogs, two nights. i'm fucking rolling now.

here are two stories about two stupid people. one of them is a work friend. this person doesn't qualify as "friend", hence me being able to talk about her on my blog. huge difference between work friend and actual friend.

Setting: Grocery Store, Aisle 5 (i'm looking for SpaghettiO's, the breakfast of champions)

Her: Hey, Jon! What are you doing here?
Me: I'm taking out a second mortgage, what the fuck do you think i'm doing here?

i didn't say that, obviously. but am i the only one thinking that's a REALLY stupid question? it's like asking someone what they're doing at the gas pump. dumb.

this next one is worse.

Setting: Video Store on a back road
~I was lost and looking for directions. I stopped in and asked this girl to help me out. Little did i know she suffered from dumbassia.

Me: Yeah, i'm trying to get directions to I-64.
Her: Ok, well... you can always go.... well, that may not be the best way (by the way, when people start talking to themselves when they're giving you directions, it's usually a good idea to ask someone else. i learned this the hard way). Ok, take a right out of this parking lot, go about 1 mile, and take a left on Wendover Ave.
Me: Ok.
Her: Then you're going to go straight through the first stoplight.
(pause, while she thinks about what she said)
Actually, make sure the light is green before you go through it.
Me: WAIT, WAIT!!! I'M TRYING TO WRITE THIS DOWN!!! ok, the light should be what color, again?

I'M BACK, BABY!!!

...and better than ever. i've been collecting some thoughts on a digital recorder that i will (eventually) put on here. there's plenty to write/talk about, so let's get right to it.

I was watching Montel the other day. i can't stand that guy. anyway, the guest was a female psychic. and of course, they did the obligatory "how long have you been able to do this" kind of crap. lame. here's the great part though... when they get to the audience Q&A.

there seem to be several different personalities that go to a talk show to see a psychic.

1.) the lady who just lost her husband and is lonely,
2.) the person who is alone and wants to know if they'll ever find "true love",
3.) the guy who gets dragged along against his will, even though the world series of cockfighting is on espn2.

that has nothing to do with the rest of the story. here's what happened next:

Lady: do i have any messages from beyond?
Psychic: yes, i see a heavy set man, a very very large man.
~Lady looks extremely confused; psychic realizes she has totally bombed~
Psychic: well, maybe not heavy, but... lanky. he says don't worry about him, he's doing fine.
~Lady looks a little confused and really skeptical, reluctantly sits down~

there are so many problems here that i don't know where to begin. first of all, HEAVY and LANKY are not even remotely similar. i love it, because the psychic looked like a total ass on national television.

also, why do people always ask if they have messages from dead people? and they ALWAYS DO!!! and it's ALWAYS GOOD NEWS!!! i've never heard a psychic be like, "nope, no news today. oh wait, there is one thing. your uncle marty says he's in extraordinary pain, aaand... that there is no God. oh and also, he says you owe him twenty bucks."

white flag

"Funnest"

i quit on this one. let's just give up and make it a real word. it just seems like it would be easier.

A Monumental Blog

if it didn't require so much damn work to write these things, i'd probably do a lot more blogs. maybe if i could just talk and have someone type it for me. well i don't have that, so my blogs are quite infrequent. here's one i wasn't sure would "make the cut", but christ, i'm pretty desperate for blogs right now. desperate like a speed-dating 43 year old Star Trek fan. creepy.

this one was intended to be a poem, until i started writing, at which point i realized it wasn't poetic. at all. yet another pointless, rambling, incoherent conjunction of words. i wrote it while watching a tennis match.

you may be wondering why this blog is "monumental". well folks, i have finally discovered how to add pictures to my blog, after never trying this once. i'd like to say i've searched for how to do this, but really, i just clicked the button that says "add image". SO... what this blog lacks in poetic beauty, it makes up in giant pictures. enjoy.

The Awful, Awful Things I Would Do To Maria Sharapova

First of all, food would definitely be involved. Butter, maybe. But you can't just have butter, so maybe I'd throw in some toast or an english muffin or something.

The things I would do would definitely be illegal in the U.S., but would likely be encouraged in Vietnam.

My God, she's my height (6'2"). Not that I'm a giant, but JESUS. She's a freak, but she's a hot freak.

Serena Williams is a dirty, dirty whore.

Fin.

DLP

two blogs in three days, i'm proud. of course, i've been home sick, so i've had plenty of time on my hands. by the way, make sure you put a latex glove over your mouse, because i'm contagious.

i swear to god, the "it's the mirrors" girl MUST BE STOPPED.

that is all.

Dish Network convo

these damned people from Dish Network keep calling me. but they only call while i'm at work, so they're always leaving messages. and i realize i could put myself on the "do not call" list or whatever, but guess what? i don't feel like it. i'd rather write a blog about my experiences.

ok this happened like 3 weeks ago. that's how lazy i've been to FINALLY put it on here. i saved the convo, so here you go.

when they leave a message, you'd think the stereotype would be:
"Hello sir, my name is Jim with Dish Network and I'd like to offer you an exciting new promotion!"

but their messages are more like this:
"Hey guys, what's up. it's bobby. listen, give me a call back, i did get you guys approved for a three room setup (by the way, the "you guys" thing is kind of obvious since i live alone, douche). we can go ahead and do the installation and everything, no problem. so yeah, guys, just give me a call back, my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

i know what they're doing. in sales, we call it "indifference". really, ANYONE could call it that. but it's very powerful... the whole idea is make it totally casual and the person might say (in this case)... "hm, maybe bobby and i did talk. i don't remember it, but then again, i'm a cracked out redneck."

so i get tired of this ass clown calling me all the time, and i finally call him back. here are the conversation....s. basically word for word.

Call #1
Gina: Thanks for calling Dish Network, this is Gina, how can I help you?
Me: Yeah, Bobby please.
Gina: ~pause~ I'm... sorry?
Me: I'm trying to get in touch with my boy Bobby.
~click~

Call #2
Jared: Thanks for calling Dish Network, this is Jared, how can I help you?
Me: Someone just hung up on me.
Him: They hung up on you?
Me: I don't get it. I'm trying to call Bobby to see if he wants to hang.
Him: If he wants to hang?
Me: Come on, you know how Bobby is (I later realized this made NO sense). I was just going to see if he wanted to shoot some hoops.
(now realizing i'm screwing around)
Him: Ah, I see. Where do you live?
Me: Virginia.
Him: We're in Portland (Oregon).
Me: WOW.
Him: That's a long drive.
Me: Fuck that, i'm hitchhiking. Hey is that legal in Oregon?
Him: Probably.
Me: Sweet. Well, tell B i said "what up" and he can hit me up lata. And tell Gina to take the stick out of her ass.
Him: Haha, I'll let uh, them know.
Me: Peace out, mo fo.

if they're going to leave friendly messages on my machine then WHY WON'T HE BE MY FRIEND? IT'S BECAUSE I'M FAT, ISN'T IT??? (runs to room sobbing)