I'm back. At least for now.

this time, i'm not making any bold claims about how many blogs i'll write in however many days. screw that. no promises, people. i guess this means i have to start turning on AIM too, since that's really the only way people ever read this thing.

there was a movie coming on television called "The Guardian" made in 1990. i thought i'd check out the synopsis:

Yuppies with a baby hire a nanny, a druid witch who sacrifices babies to a tree.

F**K, they took my idea.

A Cal Ripken-like Streak

I'm about to start what will become the most important feat in human history. I'm going to write at least THREE (3) posts in the next three nights. Many will doubt me. Many will mock me. Many will question me. I may even question myself. But damn it, I'm going to give it a shot, sort of.

So HOORAY i found my ipod-type device AND my digital recorder!!! they were lost in the fabric on the bottom of my couch, that has luckily ripped, flushing out the bowels of said couch like a meatball to a trucker. i know that makes no sense, and i should erase that, but i just don't feel like it. i'm really tired. anyway, the point of the story was that i now have all those little gems on my recorder, so hopefully i can entertain you.

ALSO, i will transcribe these and stay as true to the original as i can. however, i will delete many of the "like"'s, because i say that a lot. not all of them though. just whenever i feel like it.

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zerosmoke.org

i just heard an ad on the radio for zerosmoke.org, i guess it is?... they were explaining how it works, and they go, "you take these two little magnets, put them behind your ears [mezzo forte burp, not too "wet"] - hm, that was attractive. so you put the two magnets behind your ears and "SCIENCE TAKES OVER!" then they go, "it's just like accupressure, your urge to smoke will vanish!" Science takes over? That's it? Well... I'm happily placated by that explanation, thank you.

Hotels.com

what they advertise:

"No Hotels.com change or cancel fees."

the fine print:

"Hotels.com charges a $5.00 per booking non-refundable service fee to your credit card when you complete your reservation."

isn't that worse? "yeah, we're not going to charge you if you cancel, we're just going to charge you. if you don't like it, you can suck my balls, ass."

TWO stupid people. TWO.

two blogs, two nights. i'm fucking rolling now.

here are two stories about two stupid people. one of them is a work friend. this person doesn't qualify as "friend", hence me being able to talk about her on my blog. huge difference between work friend and actual friend.

Setting: Grocery Store, Aisle 5 (i'm looking for SpaghettiO's, the breakfast of champions)

Her: Hey, Jon! What are you doing here?
Me: I'm taking out a second mortgage, what the fuck do you think i'm doing here?

i didn't say that, obviously. but am i the only one thinking that's a REALLY stupid question? it's like asking someone what they're doing at the gas pump. dumb.

this next one is worse.

Setting: Video Store on a back road
~I was lost and looking for directions. I stopped in and asked this girl to help me out. Little did i know she suffered from dumbassia.

Me: Yeah, i'm trying to get directions to I-64.
Her: Ok, well... you can always go.... well, that may not be the best way (by the way, when people start talking to themselves when they're giving you directions, it's usually a good idea to ask someone else. i learned this the hard way). Ok, take a right out of this parking lot, go about 1 mile, and take a left on Wendover Ave.
Me: Ok.
Her: Then you're going to go straight through the first stoplight.
(pause, while she thinks about what she said)
Actually, make sure the light is green before you go through it.
Me: WAIT, WAIT!!! I'M TRYING TO WRITE THIS DOWN!!! ok, the light should be what color, again?

I'M BACK, BABY!!!

...and better than ever. i've been collecting some thoughts on a digital recorder that i will (eventually) put on here. there's plenty to write/talk about, so let's get right to it.

I was watching Montel the other day. i can't stand that guy. anyway, the guest was a female psychic. and of course, they did the obligatory "how long have you been able to do this" kind of crap. lame. here's the great part though... when they get to the audience Q&A.

there seem to be several different personalities that go to a talk show to see a psychic.

1.) the lady who just lost her husband and is lonely,
2.) the person who is alone and wants to know if they'll ever find "true love",
3.) the guy who gets dragged along against his will, even though the world series of cockfighting is on espn2.

that has nothing to do with the rest of the story. here's what happened next:

Lady: do i have any messages from beyond?
Psychic: yes, i see a heavy set man, a very very large man.
~Lady looks extremely confused; psychic realizes she has totally bombed~
Psychic: well, maybe not heavy, but... lanky. he says don't worry about him, he's doing fine.
~Lady looks a little confused and really skeptical, reluctantly sits down~

there are so many problems here that i don't know where to begin. first of all, HEAVY and LANKY are not even remotely similar. i love it, because the psychic looked like a total ass on national television.

also, why do people always ask if they have messages from dead people? and they ALWAYS DO!!! and it's ALWAYS GOOD NEWS!!! i've never heard a psychic be like, "nope, no news today. oh wait, there is one thing. your uncle marty says he's in extraordinary pain, aaand... that there is no God. oh and also, he says you owe him twenty bucks."

white flag

"Funnest"

i quit on this one. let's just give up and make it a real word. it just seems like it would be easier.

A Monumental Blog

if it didn't require so much damn work to write these things, i'd probably do a lot more blogs. maybe if i could just talk and have someone type it for me. well i don't have that, so my blogs are quite infrequent. here's one i wasn't sure would "make the cut", but christ, i'm pretty desperate for blogs right now. desperate like a speed-dating 43 year old Star Trek fan. creepy.

this one was intended to be a poem, until i started writing, at which point i realized it wasn't poetic. at all. yet another pointless, rambling, incoherent conjunction of words. i wrote it while watching a tennis match.

you may be wondering why this blog is "monumental". well folks, i have finally discovered how to add pictures to my blog, after never trying this once. i'd like to say i've searched for how to do this, but really, i just clicked the button that says "add image". SO... what this blog lacks in poetic beauty, it makes up in giant pictures. enjoy.

The Awful, Awful Things I Would Do To Maria Sharapova

First of all, food would definitely be involved. Butter, maybe. But you can't just have butter, so maybe I'd throw in some toast or an english muffin or something.

The things I would do would definitely be illegal in the U.S., but would likely be encouraged in Vietnam.

My God, she's my height (6'2"). Not that I'm a giant, but JESUS. She's a freak, but she's a hot freak.

Serena Williams is a dirty, dirty whore.

Fin.