i like things that are funny and taste like pizza.

ok, this doesn't qualify as a My Rants, because none of it is original. this is something i found a few years ago, and i always thought it was funny. if i remember right, bethany gillen sent it to me. whoops, i could have retained her anonymity. Hereafter, she will be known as Spethany Spillen. i'm not going to erase her name though. again, i'm not into that whole "erasing" thing. a little too fruity for me, somehow. i'll shut up now.

A few things that irritate me, by Some Guy On The Internet

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is "new and improved"!
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? Feel free to add to the list :)

ok, that one wasn't as funny as i remember. but this one is more my speed nowadays. from the same website. i love dark humor. sometimes.

-When the gag slips out and they start screaming loud enough for your neighbors to hear before you get a chance to inject them with the sedative
-When you are chopping away happily and the axe-head flies off the haft, through their living room window and onto the front lawn just as a cop car is driving by
-When your freezer loses power and everything spoils before you get a chance to sell the kidneys on the black market for heroin
-No. 3 pencils

Longest. Blog. Ever.

yesterday i went to the driving range. if you don't know what that is (i assume it's common knowledge, but i guess if you're not into sports you might not know, so sorry if it sounds like i'm patronizing you), it's where you go and hit golf balls as hard as you can. well, that's what i do because i suck. other people were working on their "arsenal" of shots, which made no sense to me. like this guy next to me... he was hitting the ball STRAIGHT UP like 100 feet in the air. pretty impressive. um... "couldn't you have done that in your backyard for...uh... free?"

then these other girls came over, so of course i had to try to drive further than them. on one of my first shots, i completely missed the ball, which i hadn't done for the first 75 balls or so. awesome. i think i heard them talking about me. i would too, if i were them. it was pretty funny.

my favorite part of this experience was the fact that they were trying to teach "Sara" how to hit the ball. this was clearly her first time ever picking up a golf club. again, i should reiterate that i suck at golf.

so.... Sara was doing fairly well for a beginner, but her friends were SUCKING HER COCK LIKE IT WAS THEIR JOB.

"Oh my God Sara! that's so good!"
"Are you sure this is your first time?"
"SARA!!! gosh, you're amazing!"

this went ON and ON and ON. so trite. i was just hoping one of her other friends would somehow shatter her fragile confidence. like, "eh... she's not that great."

also, i forgot to bring tees (this is turning into a long blog... i doubt anyone's still reading)... tees are what you put the golf ball on. ok, that was intentionally condescending. i had to ask this guy to borrow (meaning have and never give back) some tees. the guy had a "i'm a crazy serial killer dressed like a college professor but no one knows i'm leading a double life" type of look. when he gave me the tees, i felt a chill go through my very soul. he looked at me as if to say, "if you only knew how many bodies i have in my basement and the sexual rituals i've performed on them, you'd ask Sara if you could borrow some of her tees instead. God, Sara is hot. She'd look even hotter if she was doused with Holy water and buried in my basement." Either that, or he's a college professor.

My Rants, Part IV: Fishing For Fecal Matter

ok, this has nothing to do with feces at all. i was just curious if anyone would read this to see why i was writing about poop. sad to say, i'm not going to. also, i liked the alliteration. here's to you, kevin ker (i think this is the second time kevin has appeared in a blog... weird).

actually, i'd like to talk (meaning, type) to you about people who fish for compliments. ok, it's one thing if you want to talk about yourself a lot. everyone likes to talk about themselves, that's how we're made. i'm cool with that. people that take it too far, however, we tend to find annoying. if you don't find them annoying, it's probably you that's doing it.

but if you're going to talk about yourself constantly, don't beat around the bush about it... just talk! here are some common examples:

scratch that, i can't think of any examples. i realize i could just erase that last paragraph, stating that i'm about to list examples. but i don't feel like it. why? because it's easier to keep typing than it is to move my hand 6 inches to the left, put my hand on the mouse, highlight that paragraph, then delete it. i'd rather just keep typing and tell you why i'm not going to do that. i'm not a sellout, okay? you know, the Nazis had delete buttons... delete buttons of hatred. chew on that, fatty.

Mmmmmm....medicine-y (simpsons reference)

Have you seen these commercials that are like, "Have you recently taken Crapsicoxyn? Have you developed a small tumor on your earlobe? Are you suffering because of this?" How did these law firms get so specific? How do they know WHICH things to advertise? Has anyone else noticed every sentence so far has been a question? "Bobby, have you ever seen a grown man naked?" (if you don't know what that quote is from, well.... i'm not going to tell you.)

Seriously though. It's not even like they make tons of different commercials for tons of different problems. i'm not sure if i'm making sense, so let me explain.

let's say you're the law offices of goldman and smith. you put out a commercial for people who used Phen-Phen. however you spell it. that's all fine. but why did you pick Phen-Phen? wouldn't it be smarter to say something like, "have you ever taken a drug that has harmed you somehow?" or something like, "have you ever done anything at any time that has made your life worse in some way? if so, call us and we'll get you a shitload of money you probably don't deserve, at the taxpayers' expense, of course."

the other thing about this is... every time i see one of these commercials, i'm always jealous that i don't have whatever the affliction is. not because i want a huge settlement (although that would be nice), but because i know someone, somewhere is going, "HEY, THAT'S ME!!! honey, come check out the TV!!! they're talking about my tumor! AWESOME!!!" now, that guy has a story he can tell all his friends. i wish i could take some phen-phen and become horribly disfigured.

Don't F with a national ad campaign.

In the past day, i have seen TWO local commercials (different companies) using the following premise:

(insert anything)...... $5.99
(insert something else)... $7.20
(insert last thing).....$4.15
(insert whatever abstract idea they're "selling")... priceless.

local commercials, i'd like you to meet copyright infringement suit; copyright infringement suit, meet local commercials. i think you'll both be drawn to each other like plankton to a stoned shark.