My Rants, Part III: Jamster blows.

COPYRIGHT MIKE HARRISON 2006

this was completely mike's idea, although i completely kevin-ker with his analysis.

the Jamster ad that's on the top of your IM thing... when you scroll your mouse over it, it plays that OBNOXIOUSLY loud music. i don't know what else to say about it, other than the fact that it sucks. and it always scares the bejeezus out of me. i wonder if it would be THAT loud on someone's phone? i'm guessing not. either way, it sucks, and i HATE the fact that there's no way to get rid of it.

while we're chatting (and by that, i mean me having a monologue) about IM, use of "lol" has gotten way out of hand. it means LOTS OF LAUGHS, and yet people write it after every sentence it seems. stuff is NOT THAT FUNNY! is there anyone that laughs out loud after every sentence someone says?

i'm tired of writing now, i'm going to go pay my rent. EARLY, BITCHES!!! (tax refund check)

My Rants, Part II: Faux Mints

am i spelling "faux" right? probably.

who on earth decided it was a good idea to completely HOODWINK the american public into believing that what LOOKS like a mint, is WRAPPED the same way a mint would be wrapped, and is even PLACED right by the cash register just like a mint, would actually be CINNAMON? what? i mean, seriously. next you're going to tell me the chicken i just ate was actually GOOD for me. look, i like my mints minty, my chicken artery-cloggish, and my whores disease-free. i realize i didn't have to throw that last part in, but once again, it's my blog and i'll write what i want to, write what i want to, write what i want to.

The Pocketcloth

Pudgy-faced, an innocent wanderer,
knowing not his destination,
perhaps going nowhere.
Does he miss the lure of playground vitality?
Can he even find the school?
Arms flailing in cyclical rapture
Blood feverishly races as a tributary
on painted faces - unaware of their pending isolation -
gazing foolishly to the skies for answers, pleading to the gods.

Olive suede his mate on this day;
he glides past, glancing behind
unknowingly.
Terrain, like an African foot-hold;
firm and unyielding, yet
flaunting a ruby-like pocketcloth on its spine.
A delicate, perfect silk, teasing the dusty road.
Lustful intrigue overrides rationality this day,
a union so new and vibrant.
Brashly wielding weapons of old
a young knight is restored.

Without explanation, the winds of cruelty
slash his spirit, and the pocketcloth is
violently liberated.
Fearing the worst and assuming the best,
he waits for a repirise,
as a diva pauses in the wings,
its fluttery glee so familiar to he...

2004

My rants, Part I: TV Denial

this is the first of what i'm sure will be more, hence the "Part I". just little things i want to rant about. most of them (like this one) will be stupid stuff... don't take this as serious anger. it's just a friggin' blog, people. it should be read in a sarcastically confused tone.

TV Denial

"oh, i haven't seen that commercial (for say... the Geico caveman commercial... who the fuck hasn't seen this?).... i don't watch much tv."
"oh, i don't own a TV. i think it rots the brain."

and so on.

who the FUCK do these people think they are? EVERYONE watches TV. if you say you don't, you're either lying or you're too busy playing with yourself to watch. and DON'T try to say you don't watch that much TV, we ALL watch a lot of TV. yeah, it's all relative as to what is a lot is, but come on. If you're American, can afford a TV, and are bright enough to figure out where to plug the cables, YOU WATCH TV. you're better off just admitting it. the worst part is the smug look people give when they say stuff like this. it's like that South Park episode where everyone is buying a hybrid car... they sort of squint, smile, and and put their ear on their shoulder. it's a visual thing. dan, if you're reading this, and i'm sure you're not, you know what i'm talking about(dan is a South Park guru, it seems).

once again, i don't know how to wrap this up. More rants to come, my children. Feel free to rant about any subject in the comments section... as they say in Good Will Hunting, "you are bound by nothing."

Yet another list.

i found another list. this one's from TV Guide's Top 50 Cartoon Characters of all time:

1. Bugs Bunny
2. Homer Simpson
3. Rocky and Bullwinkle
4. Beavis and Butt-Head
5. The Grinch
6. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
7. Angelica Pickles
8. Charlie Brown and Snoopy
9. SpongeBob SquarePants
10. Cartman from "South Park"
11. Bart and Lisa Simpson
12. Fat Albert
13. The Powerpuff Girls
14. Daffy Duck
15. Pikachu
16. Gumby
17. Betty Boop
18. Top Cat
19. Mickey Mouse
20. Popeye
21. Gerald McBoing-Boing
22. Scooby-Doo
23. Underdog
24. Josie and the Pussycats
25. Heckle and Jeckle
26. Arthur
27. Winnie the Pooh
28. Felix The Cat
29. Mr. Magoo
30. George of the Jungle
31. Ren and Stimpy
32. Tom Terrific
33. Tweety and Sylvester
34. Bill from "Schoolhouse Rock"
35. Space Ghost
36. Yogi Bear and Boo Boo
37. Mighty Mouse
38. Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner
39. Superman
40. Batman
41. Daria
42. Wonder Woman
43. Donald Duck
44. Alvin (The Chipmunk)
45. Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale
46. Woody Woodpecker
47. Porky Pig
48. Bobby Hill from "King of the Hill"
49. Speed Racer
50. Tom and Jerry

my question is this: am i the only one that thinks this is the gayest thing that's ever been written, ever?

A Mouse

If you stare at the ground for an hour
you'll empower
the vision and precision of a mouse in a meadow
meddling steadily,
never waning or profaning someone's name,
only staying in the moment
never straying for a second
from the task of which has beckoned for attention
to be paid;

and yet,
the praise and accolades only waste his precious time;
for he finds that nine of ten
he comes and goes without a whim,
and on days of cattle graze
his guilty conscience underlays.

2003

Saran-wrap and unicorns.

Top 2 things i've been thinking about today:

1.) What the fuck is up with this Scientology shit?

2.) How did we ever think that Saved By The Bell was a good show? And don't fucking lie, we ALL liked it at the time. If you say you didn't, you're either a terrorist, Canadian, or both.

That is all.

Nobody ever says "I want to be a junkie when I grow up."

Remember that commercial?

I recently stumbled upon a website for potential jobs for English majors at UNC-Wilmington. Lots of choices here. I'm going to list a few of them for you, tell me if you see anything out of place. In case you think I'm making this up (it would be an awfully strange thing to make up), here's the website:
http://www.uncwil.edu/stuaff/career/Majors/english.htm

Anyway, take a look at the list. My comments are below. Actually, they're all over the place.

*College Professor (can't you say use this one for ANY major? lame.)
*Hotel & Motel Manager
*Playwright
*Poet
*Humorist/Comedian
*Interior Designer (how is this related to English again?)
*Crossword Puzzle
*Journalist
*Singer/Voice (wouldn't this be a music thing?)
*Stockbroker
*Teacher (see College Professor)
*Talent Agent
*Curator
*Teacher (all levels) .... i didn't add this one again. it's in there twice. they really are hammering this education thing home.
*Creative Writer
*Translator
*Comedy Writer
*Writer
*Technical Writer (ok, clearly they want you to be a teacher or writer.)

In case you missed it, one of the occupations is Crossword Puzzle. Hm.

Even if they meant Crossword Puzzle Writer, is that really someone's full-time job? I can't see people sitting around 9-5, working in cubicles, stressing out because they have Crossword Writer's Block.

"GODDAMN IT SANDY, can't you see i'm trying to work on a fucking PUZZLE HERE??? JESUS.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking."

A film that defines an era

Once in a blue moon, a film comes along that challenges us to redefine the word "greatitude". They make us laugh, they make us cry, they make us feel. We have witnessed a new golden age of cinema in the past 25 years. And yet, so few films can come close to the genius that is Gone With The Wind, The Godfather, or Joe Vs. The Volcano.

Throughout history, however, few films have come close to the genius that is.... "High School Musical".

If you have seen this brilliant work, I beg you to go and worship at the altar of the movie gods, thanking them for such a marvelous gift to mankind.

High School Musical, made by the Disney Channel, is profound in so many ways.

I'm done with the sarcasm now. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE if you have Tivo, TAPE it. if you don't, WATCH it. look on the internet for when it will come on. Hang on...

Ok, I just did some quick research. Apparently they're turning this into a REAL musical. I'm speechless. Here's something else I found:

For more information, visit www.disneychannel.com/highschoolmusical

Also, you can leave your comments (of course i did), and hopefully they'll show up the next time the movie comes on... and make sure you look out for my comment:

This movie was radical! It really makes me look forward to high school... and maybe being in a musical one day! Gosh, it really makes you think... we DO need to work together and our dreams CAN come true! Thanks, Disney Channel!!!
---Lupe, age 13 Maine (because when i think "Maine", i think "Latino")

Judge Wapner, Judge Wapner....

I was searching for flavored water in the grocery store, and I guess I must have looked lost, because this guy started yelling at me from far away. He was hurrying toward me. You might even say it was more of a scurry motion.

"Hey! What are you looking for? What are you trying to find?"

He was a little too helpful. Plus, he wasn't wearning a name badge or anything that said Food Lion on it.

As he got closer, I could see why he was so anxious.

He was retarded.

Now before anyone starts going off about me making fun of retarded people, I'm not making fun of retarded people. This particular retarded person was like the Rain Main of grocery stores. It was remarkable.

"I'm looking for flavored wa--"

Before I could finish the sentence, he had blurted out (very loudly, I might add), "Aisle 8! Come on, I'll take you!"

Of course, I had to follow him. I felt like if I had said any food, he would have instantly told me where to find it, all the while staring at the floor and bobbing about nervously.

Saltine Cra--
Aisle 5.
Beefaro---
Aisle 9.
Five Alive Citrus Dr--
No longer in stock, no longer in stock. Discontinued since 1987, 1987. Yep, definitely discontinued.

Then, on an entirely unrelated note, I completely broke the shit out of the automatic door (don't ask me how) then made even more of an ass out of myself by cracking up laughing about it in the parking lot. It would be a lot funnier if you knew HOW hard I hit the door (HARD) and how it looked when I left (BAD).

What's wrong with French people (meaning Chinese food), Part II

i went to another chinese restaurant tonight. more fortune cookie fun.

in case you didn't read my other blog about this (go read it, lazy... it'll take you 5 seconds), these are not the fortunes, but the pronunciations of Chinese words on the back.

Bean-sprout (honestly... BEAN SPROUT??? i think they're fucking with us now) = "Dou-yah"
Bank = "Hang"
Good = "Hao"

so, if you were to say, "Good bean-sprout, Bank" (say, if Bank was someone's name.... bear with me, okay...), it would be pronounced "How do ya hang?"

Also, sitting next to my grandfather was interesting. And by interesting, I mean painful. He's one of those old guys that says racially "charged" things that can't necessarily be called racism, but just uses a ton of blanket statements. Here's what I found out.

• All Asians are happy to be living in the U.S., because they can make a lot more money here than they can "over there".
• Every Asian is smarter than any American.
• The Vietnamese people he used to work with could "swing from tree to tree like monkeys". My attention was fading in and out, so I'm not exactly sure what he was talking about.

This was a teppan-yaki restaurant (one that cooks the food in front of you). There are so many things I could discuss about this, but most importantly, does anyone else notice that it's the EXACT same gags/gimmicks/tricks/jokes at EVERY restaurant? like they'll take a slab of butter and throw it on the grill and go, "butterfly". Here's what i don't get... my family, who have seen these tricks 8 TRILLION times, still laughs like it's the funniest goddamn joke they've ever heard. i wonder if a teppan-yaki chef has ever gotten heckled.

i don't know how to wrap this up so... bye.

Strangest thing ever.

Actual conversation I overheard in the bathroom at work today:

(the names have been changed.... well, maybe. i don't know their names, so maybe i guessed the right ones)

Bob: Hey Jim, how's it going?
Jim: I don't know.

At this point, i was getting ready to leave the bathroom, but i had to stick around to see if Jim was going to EXPLAIN why he didn't know how "it was going". But alas, there was to be no explanation on this day. And it's not like he said it in a distraught way (like he just found out that his cat died or something, and he's in some sort of depressed haze and can't concentrate). It was very nonchalant.

who says that? one of the strangest responses to a normal question i've ever heard.

ONE MORE NOTE from today (i know you're all on the edge of your seats... buckle up):

Sirius Satellite Radio (which I have, otherwise i probably wouldn't be talking about it) announced a new channel today.... Playboy Radio. does anyone else see a major problem with this? for those of you that aren't following, let me be a little clearer:

playboy RADIO

smarmy crapsnack.

forget "What Would Jesus Do"... i go by "What Would The Huxtables Do"

a profile: my blog advertisers.

people who advertise on my blog (comments section) are ALL kiddie porn freaks. and i mean FREAKS. they're all REAAAALLLY into it. usually same sex, but not always.

also, they're really into European dance music. German, maybe.

when they go to the gym, they were a mouthguard, kneepads, and protective goggles, no matter what the exercise.

they just want to be loved by someone, but they probably never will be, on account of the horrible STD's they've contracted from the 13 year old asian male prostitutes they've been banging.

they think that Hootie was terribly misunderstood. They also tried to be a roadie for said band, but were turned down on account of the STD thing.

in summary, these people are between psychopaths and the extraordinarily retarded on the social food chain. try to avoid eye contact at all costs. it'll just be weird.

peanut butter and porn

i'm a composer (yes, i want a cookie, jerk). i recently received a royalty check from a certain performing rights organization. why am i so worried about protecting everyone's anonymity? i don't know, i just am. paranoid? yes, i am. deal with it, ass.

anyway, this royalty check was for the following work:
Cretin

that was the title. ummmmmmmmm, i searched my memory (didn't take long), and i've never written such a thing. but i got this check. so of course, i cashed it first, then called this organization (out of curiosity) to see if i had written it and maybe i just forgot. very possible, my memory is shitty.

here's the conversation (condensed for time/space):

"Hey... uh... what was the name of the piece i got paid for?"
Do you have your payment statement?
Uh...... no. I uh..... lost it.
Ok, what's your member number?
It's xxxxxxxxxxxx85.
Ok, it appears you were paid erroneously. What you need to do, to ensure that you don't keep receiving checks, is to call the titling department and correct this error.

~Long pause while i think about this~


I'll get right on that. ~Click~

a post written for and entirely about Kenny.

Kenny (we'll call him Kenny Pitsnack, to protect his anonymity) is the only person to ever reply to any of my posts. For this reason, this post will be written in his honor. Maybe if YOU had replied, i'd be writing this about you, but NOOOOO, you were too busy masturbating. Pervert. Don't worry, I probably wouldn't have written about you anyway. And also, I was masturbating too.

Anyhoo, Kenny went to college with me. Good dude. He's from New Jersey. He likes guys. He studied (insert major) at a Virginia college (we'll call it Sames Fladison Pooniversity). At SFP, Kenny and I were in the same a cappella group (we'll call it... screw it, i'm done with that joke).

some of my favorite kenny-related memories were from some of the classes we were in together. i can't be all that specific, b/c you never know who's going to look at your blog (i've been fined for exposing my blog in public, but that's different).... although from the looks of it, it pretty much looks like just kenny, and of course, those weirdos trying to advertise on my blog. what the f is that?

anyway, we'd make fun of some of the ridiculous people we shared a major with. These people were (in general) dramatic, egotistical, and self-absorbed. many would have been perfect for the real world. actually, that would have been damn good tv. i digress. it was hilarious to make fun of these people with my boy, kenny. and also, our... uh... MAIN teacher. if he's reading this, i hope he knows who i'm talking about.... here's a hint: we'd have a "meeting" with her every other wednesday afternoon, sophomore year on... man, that sounded kinda dirty. whatever.

but overall, my absolute favorite memory/memories of kenny were making random Brian Regan references. That caught on like a mo fo with a lot of other people too. or at least a few other people.

So anyway Kenny, here's to you....
Take luck,
J.

here's what's wrong with french people

ok, substitute "french" with "chinese", and "people" with "food".

my fortune cookie tonight was attempting to teach me chinese. a nice gesture, but i'm probably not going to get very far in the language, i'm guessing. i didn't learn english until i was 7.

anyway, it says:

Automobile
Qi-che

how in god's name does that help me pronounce this word? is it kee-chay, or kwee-chee, or what? looks more like quiche to me, but i'm assuming that's not right. did i spell quiche right? if i didn't, i don't care. i'm not looking it up. i'm talking about that dish that has eggs in it.

also, if they're going to teach me a word, is that really a word i'm going to need? that's like teaching me the word "unicorn". i think that's the first time i've even TYPED the word unicorn.

if a chinese guy came up to you and said any sentence with the word "automobile", you'd laugh your ass off. at least inside. who says "automobile"?

How my new job and the Simpsons are related

at my new job, everyone couldn't be nicer. EVERYONE smiles pretty much all the time. EVERYONE says hi to you in the hallway. just a little too nice.

if you're a simpsons fan (and i know you are), it's EXACTLY like the episode where homer gets a new job and the family moves to... whatever the city is. can't remember. it's called "You Only Move Twice". dear god, it's funny. if you're a simpsons fan, hopefully you've seen it.

for everyone else, go download it. i know you've all got a file sharing program. it'll take you about 5 seconds to type it in, and download it. trust me, it's worth it. ummmm...... i guess i'm done writing now.

awkward moments at work

you know how whenever you're at work and you pass Linda (and why are there so many Linda's at every job? I've never known a real life Linda. I think they're hired by every company to fill some sort of name quota. I don't know why this would be, I just find it odd), then you pass her again like 20 minutes later...? do you say hi again, or do you do that head nod thing, or do you do the eyebrow lift along with the lip seal (sort of a half smile), or do you make some lame joke (workin' hard or hardly workin?)... what in the world do people do? i hate this. It's sort of like when I come back from lunch. I feel like I have to re-greet everyone I just left a half hour ago. "Thank God, it's so good to see you. I was worried you might not make it back from your trip to BK across the street. So how's your life been for the last hour? You still single?"

best SNL members

ok, you may have noticed that i like lists. here's another one. top 10 SNL members. here's how i define "best"... most versatile, most consistently funny. can do a lot of different characters... in other words, not a one-trick pony. here we go:

10. Jan Hooks - i don't know what to say about her, she was just funny.
9. Norm MacDonald - am i spelling his name right? anyway, i cheated on the rules. he's just on here for Weekend Update. so unbelievably witty.
8. Molly Shannon - "don't get me started, don't EVEN get me started". if you haven't seen this sketch, rent Best of Molly Shannon.
7. Dana Carvey - yes, i know the humor back then was a lot more tame, but he was still funny. and you 15 year-olds that have seen the reruns just don't get it. he was funny. although his stand-up was unbeLIEVably NOT funny.
6. Amy Poehler - i think i'm falling in love with her. although i've kind of fallen in love with most of the female cast members. whatever, she's wicked funny.
5. Rob Schneider - yes, he's done some bad movies, but he's hilarious. wow, these comments are all starting to sound the same.
4. Chris Farley - a lot of people put him #1, but that's a mistake. while he was great, there are cast members who were more valuable. now we're getting into the REAAALLLLY versatile guys.
3. Chris Kattan - watch the airport first date sketch on the Best of Molly Shannon... he steals the sketch and hardly says a word. unreal.
2. Will Ferrell - do i need to say anything here? no. he and farley seem to be the most popular picks for #1. i've got one better though...
1. Phil Hartman - phil hartman was a true genius. he could do DEAD-ON impressions, be the "announcer guy", play any character and NEVER, EVER, EVER start laughing in the middle of a sketch. he was never crappy in anything. i think he was the most versatile and consistently funny cast member of all time.

worst cast member of all time: janeane garafalo - this kills me to say this, because i think she is the best female stand-up comic i've ever seen, BY FAR. but let's be honest, she never fit in on SNL.
most overrated: darrell hammond. you're an ass clown, and you're not funny. your impersonations aren't that great (sometimes), and you're a douche. i feel better.
most underrated: david spade. ok, a lot of people know he's funny, but don't give him credit for being funny on the show.