TWO stupid people. TWO.

two blogs, two nights. i'm fucking rolling now.

here are two stories about two stupid people. one of them is a work friend. this person doesn't qualify as "friend", hence me being able to talk about her on my blog. huge difference between work friend and actual friend.

Setting: Grocery Store, Aisle 5 (i'm looking for SpaghettiO's, the breakfast of champions)

Her: Hey, Jon! What are you doing here?
Me: I'm taking out a second mortgage, what the fuck do you think i'm doing here?

i didn't say that, obviously. but am i the only one thinking that's a REALLY stupid question? it's like asking someone what they're doing at the gas pump. dumb.

this next one is worse.

Setting: Video Store on a back road
~I was lost and looking for directions. I stopped in and asked this girl to help me out. Little did i know she suffered from dumbassia.

Me: Yeah, i'm trying to get directions to I-64.
Her: Ok, well... you can always go.... well, that may not be the best way (by the way, when people start talking to themselves when they're giving you directions, it's usually a good idea to ask someone else. i learned this the hard way). Ok, take a right out of this parking lot, go about 1 mile, and take a left on Wendover Ave.
Me: Ok.
Her: Then you're going to go straight through the first stoplight.
(pause, while she thinks about what she said)
Actually, make sure the light is green before you go through it.
Me: WAIT, WAIT!!! I'M TRYING TO WRITE THIS DOWN!!! ok, the light should be what color, again?

I'M BACK, BABY!!!

...and better than ever. i've been collecting some thoughts on a digital recorder that i will (eventually) put on here. there's plenty to write/talk about, so let's get right to it.

I was watching Montel the other day. i can't stand that guy. anyway, the guest was a female psychic. and of course, they did the obligatory "how long have you been able to do this" kind of crap. lame. here's the great part though... when they get to the audience Q&A.

there seem to be several different personalities that go to a talk show to see a psychic.

1.) the lady who just lost her husband and is lonely,
2.) the person who is alone and wants to know if they'll ever find "true love",
3.) the guy who gets dragged along against his will, even though the world series of cockfighting is on espn2.

that has nothing to do with the rest of the story. here's what happened next:

Lady: do i have any messages from beyond?
Psychic: yes, i see a heavy set man, a very very large man.
~Lady looks extremely confused; psychic realizes she has totally bombed~
Psychic: well, maybe not heavy, but... lanky. he says don't worry about him, he's doing fine.
~Lady looks a little confused and really skeptical, reluctantly sits down~

there are so many problems here that i don't know where to begin. first of all, HEAVY and LANKY are not even remotely similar. i love it, because the psychic looked like a total ass on national television.

also, why do people always ask if they have messages from dead people? and they ALWAYS DO!!! and it's ALWAYS GOOD NEWS!!! i've never heard a psychic be like, "nope, no news today. oh wait, there is one thing. your uncle marty says he's in extraordinary pain, aaand... that there is no God. oh and also, he says you owe him twenty bucks."

white flag

"Funnest"

i quit on this one. let's just give up and make it a real word. it just seems like it would be easier.

A Monumental Blog

if it didn't require so much damn work to write these things, i'd probably do a lot more blogs. maybe if i could just talk and have someone type it for me. well i don't have that, so my blogs are quite infrequent. here's one i wasn't sure would "make the cut", but christ, i'm pretty desperate for blogs right now. desperate like a speed-dating 43 year old Star Trek fan. creepy.

this one was intended to be a poem, until i started writing, at which point i realized it wasn't poetic. at all. yet another pointless, rambling, incoherent conjunction of words. i wrote it while watching a tennis match.

you may be wondering why this blog is "monumental". well folks, i have finally discovered how to add pictures to my blog, after never trying this once. i'd like to say i've searched for how to do this, but really, i just clicked the button that says "add image". SO... what this blog lacks in poetic beauty, it makes up in giant pictures. enjoy.

The Awful, Awful Things I Would Do To Maria Sharapova

First of all, food would definitely be involved. Butter, maybe. But you can't just have butter, so maybe I'd throw in some toast or an english muffin or something.

The things I would do would definitely be illegal in the U.S., but would likely be encouraged in Vietnam.

My God, she's my height (6'2"). Not that I'm a giant, but JESUS. She's a freak, but she's a hot freak.

Serena Williams is a dirty, dirty whore.

Fin.

DLP

two blogs in three days, i'm proud. of course, i've been home sick, so i've had plenty of time on my hands. by the way, make sure you put a latex glove over your mouse, because i'm contagious.

i swear to god, the "it's the mirrors" girl MUST BE STOPPED.

that is all.

Dish Network convo

these damned people from Dish Network keep calling me. but they only call while i'm at work, so they're always leaving messages. and i realize i could put myself on the "do not call" list or whatever, but guess what? i don't feel like it. i'd rather write a blog about my experiences.

ok this happened like 3 weeks ago. that's how lazy i've been to FINALLY put it on here. i saved the convo, so here you go.

when they leave a message, you'd think the stereotype would be:
"Hello sir, my name is Jim with Dish Network and I'd like to offer you an exciting new promotion!"

but their messages are more like this:
"Hey guys, what's up. it's bobby. listen, give me a call back, i did get you guys approved for a three room setup (by the way, the "you guys" thing is kind of obvious since i live alone, douche). we can go ahead and do the installation and everything, no problem. so yeah, guys, just give me a call back, my number is XXX-XXX-XXXX.

i know what they're doing. in sales, we call it "indifference". really, ANYONE could call it that. but it's very powerful... the whole idea is make it totally casual and the person might say (in this case)... "hm, maybe bobby and i did talk. i don't remember it, but then again, i'm a cracked out redneck."

so i get tired of this ass clown calling me all the time, and i finally call him back. here are the conversation....s. basically word for word.

Call #1
Gina: Thanks for calling Dish Network, this is Gina, how can I help you?
Me: Yeah, Bobby please.
Gina: ~pause~ I'm... sorry?
Me: I'm trying to get in touch with my boy Bobby.
~click~

Call #2
Jared: Thanks for calling Dish Network, this is Jared, how can I help you?
Me: Someone just hung up on me.
Him: They hung up on you?
Me: I don't get it. I'm trying to call Bobby to see if he wants to hang.
Him: If he wants to hang?
Me: Come on, you know how Bobby is (I later realized this made NO sense). I was just going to see if he wanted to shoot some hoops.
(now realizing i'm screwing around)
Him: Ah, I see. Where do you live?
Me: Virginia.
Him: We're in Portland (Oregon).
Me: WOW.
Him: That's a long drive.
Me: Fuck that, i'm hitchhiking. Hey is that legal in Oregon?
Him: Probably.
Me: Sweet. Well, tell B i said "what up" and he can hit me up lata. And tell Gina to take the stick out of her ass.
Him: Haha, I'll let uh, them know.
Me: Peace out, mo fo.

if they're going to leave friendly messages on my machine then WHY WON'T HE BE MY FRIEND? IT'S BECAUSE I'M FAT, ISN'T IT??? (runs to room sobbing)

My idea

i had an idea for an invention recently that i'm going to share with you. before i do that though, i'd like to make a few comments. now don't just skip to the bottom of the page so you can see what the invention is, either. you may be asking yourself, "jon, why are you sharing your invention idea with us? shouldn't you save it for yourself and make millions of dollars off of it?" the answer is... well i'll tell you after the invention idea:

THE IDEA: a lightbulb that can also be used as a telephone

ok, that's not the idea, i just wanted to throw off anyone that skipped over my comments to the invention idea. SHAME ON YOU. really, the invention is this: taillights that are pressure sensitive. Meaning, right now, when you hit the brakes, it's either red for "brakes being applied" or, uh.... not on for "brakes not being applied". but when you're going really fast, say on the interstate, and someone in front of you hits the brakes, it's hard to tell if they SLAMMED on the brakes, or they just lightly tapped them. i think it would be a good idea if lightly tapping would result in kind of a pinkish hue (i love the word "hue") and slamming on the brakes would be like blood red. i guess i could have picked a different red than "blood red". oh well. so anyway, there would be a whole spectrum of red, depending on how hard you hit the brakes.

now the reason i'm not keeping this to myself is because a.) i have a feeling someone has already had this idea. if you think about how primitive the braking system we have is, it seems like someone would think of that.... and b.) do you really think the Ford Motor Company is going to listen to my suggestion, then pay me for said idea? Hell no. this is more of a prediction than anything else. i have one other cool idea for an invention, but that one i may actually try to use.

Retarded oil guy

Went to get my oil changed, and this guy's comment was so retarded it gets its own blog entry.

Me: I'm here for an oil change.
Him: Okay, you're here to get an oil change?
Me: No, actually I was hoping I could perform one. Do you have any gloves I can borrow?

da dee da dee dee daaaa

couldn't think of a good title. again, haven't written anything in a while, so this will be random. what's new?

I had to get a land line recently, and i've since noticed a drastic (and by drastic, i mean not drastic) difference in the two voice-over women that walk you through checking your voicemail. you know what i'm talking about. you dial verizon (my cell carrier), and the girl goes...

"Please enter your passcode, then press pound."

No personality, no nothing. she might as well have kicked me in the crotch. HOWEVER, when i hear the Embarq (my land line) woman, she says, in that oh-so-sweet sounding voice...

"Hello!"
(then my recorded voice: Jon)

reading the "hello" doesn't really do it justice... she says it in ABSOLUTELY the sweetest sounding voice you've ever heard. it's almost like how a 7-year old that's just discovered an abandoned kitten on the side of the road might say it. and i recently noticed that since i got the land line, i've decided the Verizon woman is a heinous bitch.

Listy McList

yes, another list. i haven't written anything in quite some time, so i need something to get me going again. i actually had written something a few days ago, and right as i was finishing, the power went out. i mean, seriously.

TOP TEN NON-IMMEDIATE FAMILY SIMPSONS CHARACTERS:

(in case you're illiterate, that means not homer, marge, bart, lisa, or maggie... they also can't be a one-time character... have to appear on at least "several" episodes, however you define that.)

i'm going to list them backwards, because i hate when you read a list and it starts with #1. it's so anti-climactic. i'll add a quick blurb and/or quote for each one. unless i don't feel like it. and if you also check my away messages, you'll see some repeats. it'll probably suck if you don't watch the show, but if you don't, you've probably stopped reading by now.

10. Principal Skinner (character based on Norman Bates from Psycho): "Well done, Nibbles. Now chew through my ball sack."
9. Gil (based on the main character from Death of a Salesman [Willie Loman?] )... this is the grey-haired guy that's always desperate for money and trying to sell something.
8. Ralph Wiggum, an idiot kid. A lot of people would have him listed higher, but there are just too many other characters i like more. "My cat's breath smells like cat food."
7. Moe, the bartender. "Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything."
6. Kent Brockman, news anchor. "Apparently the unemployment line isn't just for philosophy majors anymore."
5. Mr. Burns, Homer's boss. "So, the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon... as a shark, with a gun in its mouth."
4. Lionel Hutz, the Simpsons' incompetent lawyer. R.I.P. Phil Hartman. "Your Honor, I move for a bad court thingy."
3. Comic Book Guy. "Your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them when there is so much crime going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go for the good of the city!"
2. Professor Frink (based on the ORIGINAL Nutty Professor with Jerry Lewis). quotes don't really work for him. he's just awesome.

and my absolute, #1, favorite non-immediate family member Simpsons character is...


1. Lindsay Naegle, the advertising exec/anything that requires a businesswoman. so f'ing hysterical. "Hi, I'm Lindsay Naegle. And I don't want to spend another fiscal year alone."

Save Me, Jeebus

ok, i signed up for this fantasy football league recently, and the name of the league was Christians Who Love the NFL. lame, i know. but whatever, i liked the setup of their league. anyway, i was torn for like 10 minutes as to what I should name my team. I sifted through Jesus Is My Running Back, Pharaoh's Flee Flickers, and Tight Ends for Christ. i preferred the latter. however, i figured they might have a stick up their ass, so i settled on Save Me, Jeebus. this, of course, is a simpsons reference... when homer becomes a missionary, and... well, that's all i feel like saying about it. anyway, i go to draft tonight, and they had kicked me out of the league! WHAT KIND OF HORSE SHIT IS THAT??? i mean, jesus fucking christ, calm down.

this is a pointless blog, but i was just pissed at that. oh, on a side note, DirecTV customer service also sucks ass. i could list about 30 reasons i feel this way and i've only had it for a few weeks. um.... that's all i've got.

To anyone that's checking this (duh)

i guess it's kind of retarded to say "if you're checking this", but i seriously doubt anyone's going to read this until i get internet again. which could be quite a while. anyway, if you are reading this, you're a HARDCORE J-dubs blog supporter, and you should be commended, then checked for STD's. i've found that my target demographic tends to have STD's, so if you ARE reading this, i can help you find a clinic. Just give me a ringy-dingy.

Anyway, i know it seems weird that i'm saying i'll write more when i get internet, because clearly i'm writing this for the internet right now. i just can't write now, long story, quite boring. but i will be back. i think most of you only read this shit if i put a link on my AIM profile, and i haven't been online (consistently) in a while (nor will i be for a while).

anyway... stay tuned, and keep on keepin' on.

i like things that are funny and taste like pizza.

ok, this doesn't qualify as a My Rants, because none of it is original. this is something i found a few years ago, and i always thought it was funny. if i remember right, bethany gillen sent it to me. whoops, i could have retained her anonymity. Hereafter, she will be known as Spethany Spillen. i'm not going to erase her name though. again, i'm not into that whole "erasing" thing. a little too fruity for me, somehow. i'll shut up now.

A few things that irritate me, by Some Guy On The Internet

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is "new and improved"!
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? Feel free to add to the list :)

ok, that one wasn't as funny as i remember. but this one is more my speed nowadays. from the same website. i love dark humor. sometimes.

-When the gag slips out and they start screaming loud enough for your neighbors to hear before you get a chance to inject them with the sedative
-When you are chopping away happily and the axe-head flies off the haft, through their living room window and onto the front lawn just as a cop car is driving by
-When your freezer loses power and everything spoils before you get a chance to sell the kidneys on the black market for heroin
-No. 3 pencils

Longest. Blog. Ever.

yesterday i went to the driving range. if you don't know what that is (i assume it's common knowledge, but i guess if you're not into sports you might not know, so sorry if it sounds like i'm patronizing you), it's where you go and hit golf balls as hard as you can. well, that's what i do because i suck. other people were working on their "arsenal" of shots, which made no sense to me. like this guy next to me... he was hitting the ball STRAIGHT UP like 100 feet in the air. pretty impressive. um... "couldn't you have done that in your backyard for...uh... free?"

then these other girls came over, so of course i had to try to drive further than them. on one of my first shots, i completely missed the ball, which i hadn't done for the first 75 balls or so. awesome. i think i heard them talking about me. i would too, if i were them. it was pretty funny.

my favorite part of this experience was the fact that they were trying to teach "Sara" how to hit the ball. this was clearly her first time ever picking up a golf club. again, i should reiterate that i suck at golf.

so.... Sara was doing fairly well for a beginner, but her friends were SUCKING HER COCK LIKE IT WAS THEIR JOB.

"Oh my God Sara! that's so good!"
"Are you sure this is your first time?"
"SARA!!! gosh, you're amazing!"

this went ON and ON and ON. so trite. i was just hoping one of her other friends would somehow shatter her fragile confidence. like, "eh... she's not that great."

also, i forgot to bring tees (this is turning into a long blog... i doubt anyone's still reading)... tees are what you put the golf ball on. ok, that was intentionally condescending. i had to ask this guy to borrow (meaning have and never give back) some tees. the guy had a "i'm a crazy serial killer dressed like a college professor but no one knows i'm leading a double life" type of look. when he gave me the tees, i felt a chill go through my very soul. he looked at me as if to say, "if you only knew how many bodies i have in my basement and the sexual rituals i've performed on them, you'd ask Sara if you could borrow some of her tees instead. God, Sara is hot. She'd look even hotter if she was doused with Holy water and buried in my basement." Either that, or he's a college professor.

My Rants, Part IV: Fishing For Fecal Matter

ok, this has nothing to do with feces at all. i was just curious if anyone would read this to see why i was writing about poop. sad to say, i'm not going to. also, i liked the alliteration. here's to you, kevin ker (i think this is the second time kevin has appeared in a blog... weird).

actually, i'd like to talk (meaning, type) to you about people who fish for compliments. ok, it's one thing if you want to talk about yourself a lot. everyone likes to talk about themselves, that's how we're made. i'm cool with that. people that take it too far, however, we tend to find annoying. if you don't find them annoying, it's probably you that's doing it.

but if you're going to talk about yourself constantly, don't beat around the bush about it... just talk! here are some common examples:

scratch that, i can't think of any examples. i realize i could just erase that last paragraph, stating that i'm about to list examples. but i don't feel like it. why? because it's easier to keep typing than it is to move my hand 6 inches to the left, put my hand on the mouse, highlight that paragraph, then delete it. i'd rather just keep typing and tell you why i'm not going to do that. i'm not a sellout, okay? you know, the Nazis had delete buttons... delete buttons of hatred. chew on that, fatty.

Mmmmmm....medicine-y (simpsons reference)

Have you seen these commercials that are like, "Have you recently taken Crapsicoxyn? Have you developed a small tumor on your earlobe? Are you suffering because of this?" How did these law firms get so specific? How do they know WHICH things to advertise? Has anyone else noticed every sentence so far has been a question? "Bobby, have you ever seen a grown man naked?" (if you don't know what that quote is from, well.... i'm not going to tell you.)

Seriously though. It's not even like they make tons of different commercials for tons of different problems. i'm not sure if i'm making sense, so let me explain.

let's say you're the law offices of goldman and smith. you put out a commercial for people who used Phen-Phen. however you spell it. that's all fine. but why did you pick Phen-Phen? wouldn't it be smarter to say something like, "have you ever taken a drug that has harmed you somehow?" or something like, "have you ever done anything at any time that has made your life worse in some way? if so, call us and we'll get you a shitload of money you probably don't deserve, at the taxpayers' expense, of course."

the other thing about this is... every time i see one of these commercials, i'm always jealous that i don't have whatever the affliction is. not because i want a huge settlement (although that would be nice), but because i know someone, somewhere is going, "HEY, THAT'S ME!!! honey, come check out the TV!!! they're talking about my tumor! AWESOME!!!" now, that guy has a story he can tell all his friends. i wish i could take some phen-phen and become horribly disfigured.

Don't F with a national ad campaign.

In the past day, i have seen TWO local commercials (different companies) using the following premise:

(insert anything)...... $5.99
(insert something else)... $7.20
(insert last thing).....$4.15
(insert whatever abstract idea they're "selling")... priceless.

local commercials, i'd like you to meet copyright infringement suit; copyright infringement suit, meet local commercials. i think you'll both be drawn to each other like plankton to a stoned shark.

My Rants, Part III: Jamster blows.

COPYRIGHT MIKE HARRISON 2006

this was completely mike's idea, although i completely kevin-ker with his analysis.

the Jamster ad that's on the top of your IM thing... when you scroll your mouse over it, it plays that OBNOXIOUSLY loud music. i don't know what else to say about it, other than the fact that it sucks. and it always scares the bejeezus out of me. i wonder if it would be THAT loud on someone's phone? i'm guessing not. either way, it sucks, and i HATE the fact that there's no way to get rid of it.

while we're chatting (and by that, i mean me having a monologue) about IM, use of "lol" has gotten way out of hand. it means LOTS OF LAUGHS, and yet people write it after every sentence it seems. stuff is NOT THAT FUNNY! is there anyone that laughs out loud after every sentence someone says?

i'm tired of writing now, i'm going to go pay my rent. EARLY, BITCHES!!! (tax refund check)

My Rants, Part II: Faux Mints

am i spelling "faux" right? probably.

who on earth decided it was a good idea to completely HOODWINK the american public into believing that what LOOKS like a mint, is WRAPPED the same way a mint would be wrapped, and is even PLACED right by the cash register just like a mint, would actually be CINNAMON? what? i mean, seriously. next you're going to tell me the chicken i just ate was actually GOOD for me. look, i like my mints minty, my chicken artery-cloggish, and my whores disease-free. i realize i didn't have to throw that last part in, but once again, it's my blog and i'll write what i want to, write what i want to, write what i want to.

The Pocketcloth

Pudgy-faced, an innocent wanderer,
knowing not his destination,
perhaps going nowhere.
Does he miss the lure of playground vitality?
Can he even find the school?
Arms flailing in cyclical rapture
Blood feverishly races as a tributary
on painted faces - unaware of their pending isolation -
gazing foolishly to the skies for answers, pleading to the gods.

Olive suede his mate on this day;
he glides past, glancing behind
unknowingly.
Terrain, like an African foot-hold;
firm and unyielding, yet
flaunting a ruby-like pocketcloth on its spine.
A delicate, perfect silk, teasing the dusty road.
Lustful intrigue overrides rationality this day,
a union so new and vibrant.
Brashly wielding weapons of old
a young knight is restored.

Without explanation, the winds of cruelty
slash his spirit, and the pocketcloth is
violently liberated.
Fearing the worst and assuming the best,
he waits for a repirise,
as a diva pauses in the wings,
its fluttery glee so familiar to he...

2004